My name is Heidi and I am a single mother of two little girls living in a suburb of Los Angeles. I recently moved my children who are in 5th and 3rd grades to a Catholic school. We are not Catholic, so my reason for making this move was primarily that I was hoping to find some more structure and some basic moral guidelines for my daughters. I was hoping that a catholic school would be able to provide at least some spiritual material and they could take or leave what they wanted depending on what ends up being meaningful information to them as individuals. I just felt that it was better than nothing which, for the most part with very few exceptions, is what is being provided at most public and private schools in the area of faith, spirituality and or any real guidance with morals and ethics.
For the moment I am very pleased with our new school and the calming structure it seems to be folding into my “ two home” family. I remember the principle distinctly reassuring me when I interviewed for the school that the Catholic school system wasn’t as archaic as I was afraid it was and that we would all be very welcomed despite our religious preferences which so far has been very true and I am grateful.
What I discovered that I hadn’t expected and the whole reason for this piece of writing, was how much I would learn about child sexual abuse prevention.
This seemed like it would be a very touchy subject in the Catholic community. I didn’t expect to hear even a whisper about it considering the past and all the horrifying cases of abuse that have been recorded committed by none other than Catholic priests. We’ve all heard the stories, but it was quite the opposite. There seemed to be a very “on the table” attitude about it and in fact as I became more familiar with the campus and the general way it is run I realized there is a distinct sense of responsibility to keeping an open communication about raising awareness on this subject. I was surprised to discover that not only do they take raising awareness very seriously; it is mandatory that everyone gets involved.
The Archdiocese of Los Angeles (A Catholic term meaning a district for which an archbishop is responsible) Mandates that ALL adults working with and around children take a course of education on child sexual abuse and prevention through the organization called VIRTUS
https://www.virtusonline.org/virtus/
That’s right, ALL adults. Even parents like me who just want to help out in the art room or with kindergarten a couple times a week.
So off I went to Gardena to begrudgingly take the three-hour course that was inevitable along with being fingerprinted so that I could be an involved mama in my children’s school.
As I sat there totally prepared to be bored by scripture that I couldn’t understand and lectures about abuse prevention by the one community that in my mind and lets be honest here, had cornered the market on it. I slowly realized that I had actually never had a serious adult conversation with any child caregiver about sexual abuse prevention up to this point. Ever.
I never thought for one minute that I would need it.
I come from a community of parents that put the needs of their kids before their own. Most of the parents I know I met at a local pre-school where the staff used attachment theory and basic neuroscience and human development to help teach parents how to have long lasting relationships with their children. It is a wonderful school with accessible and innovative standards and it truly shaped the way that I parented my daughters for the better. But I never felt in this community that we needed to discuss sexual abuse?! Maybe I missed that topic at the parent potluck meetings but as far as it seems to me most of us still think it could never happen. I still think it could never happen. Not to my girls.
Many of the other mothers that I have met along the toddler raising years had either made a decision to stay home and raise their children or were working hard to mindfully balance work-life and child rearing. We all love our kids. How could there ever be a threat for child abuse in a community like this? Apparently that line of thinking is more common than not and the main reason for awareness. It’s exactly that line of thought that predators have come to rely upon.
As the session began and the facilitator began her talk I was flooded with new information, statistics and facts that I had never heard before. As the course went on a clip was played interviewing a serial predator that had been caught. He had over 400 victims and described the systems he employed to keep his ratios so high. It wasn’t just frightening but I felt like I was a drift in a sea of predators! My eyes welled with tears as I listened to him reveal his tactics; Setting up his DJ booth at a skating rink so that kids could be invited to be near him out of view of the public, private lessons, manipulation of parents, the list went on and on.
There was also the startling statistic that It could be anyone, but 90% of the cases are with people known by the child, people who work regularly with kids and of course the people we are supposed to trust the most, priests, teachers, policemen and woman, etc.
Overwhelm and panic set in. I thought about all the mistakes I had made over the years. People I have allowed into my home without background checking! My mind was abuzz with information and confusion. Who was I supposed to trust?
As the course went on my mind began to calm as some very serious questions were answered and some key and very simple strategies and tips were given to help raise my awareness discuss the issue with my daughters and their father. Even the sea of burgeoning technological threats was addressed with a calm and united voice. By the end of the course I was left wondering how had I missed all of this information? Why don’t they offer this in every school? Why aren’t there new parent packets filled with these very simple steps and basic red flags to look out for? It is definitely something I wish I had known long before and merits the same space on my refrigerator as the laminated CPR instructions or the how to handle a tantrum steps from my various parent books! I am amazed that I have never been down this dark path of discussion in any of my child-centered communities. Not even my pediatrician gave me this simple information!
So here it is folks in black and white. I have pulled basic facts and information from various Child Abuse prevention websites, some Catholic and some others that I found user friendly and helpful.
I believe as parents and care givers that this information falls on all shoulders to circulate. I would love to see” The five steps to protecting our children” from the Darkness to Light website on every child-centered bulletin board there is.
http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6178667/k.93BF/Learn_the_Facts_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm
I would love for families to print these simple steps and put them up to be seen and discussed with their families, In Doctors offices, public libraries, every school, every after-school program, day care, nursery school and even in hospitals included in parent packets.
I can’t help but think of the prevention outcome of casting a wider net with these basic skills.
I would like to take a moment to thank my Catholic community, school leaders and the Los Angeles Archbishop José H. Gomez for integrating this into the Parent teacher Organizations and curriculum. As difficult as it is to face the darkness of what happened with the priests and criminals that inflicted so much harm to so many innocent children and their families, this program of awareness and prevention and the mandate that anyone coming into contact with any child in the catholic community must be finger printed and complete this course is a definite step in the right direction as far as preventing so many cases to occur unnoticed again.
Without this community I may have never been forced to look closely at something that at least for me feels too close for comfort.
I may have never found a way to voice my passion about this topic.
I feel as though a frightened and wounded child has become a fierce and protective Lioness in reverence to all children’s welfare regarding sexual abuse, and I owe it to the fact that my school required me to take this course if I wanted to help out with the kids.
I say these things not forgetting for one moment the families and children who have suffered abuse from their Catholic priest, or clergy person, as I am well aware of the severity of these wounds. I honor the pain and suffering in my own way by encouraging that we all continue to raise awareness and support all of the organizations striving to do so be them Catholic or other.
Here are the Virtus five steps of awareness:
1) KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS
Knowing the warning signs of a potential perpetrators behavior can help us recognize the early indications of someone engaging in inappropriate relationship with a child or young person.
Behavior should be a) PUBLIC
b) Appropriate
c) Non- Sexual in nature
2) CONTROL ACCESS THROUGH SCREENING
When schools, parishes, after school programs and any other programs where we entrust our children and young people are carefully SCREENED it sends a direct message to potential molesters that we are alert about child sexual abuse.
Back round checks, standards determining who has access to children and why, annual reviewing of guidelines and policies for adults working with minors, and ID badges are just a few screening suggestions.
3) a)MONITORING PROGRAMS AND MINISTRIES
This is basically monitoring all programs eliminating any opportunities for adults to be alone with children in secluded environments. Be aware of what’s going on in schools, after care programs and community centers and even enrichment classes.
b) MONITORING TECHNOLOGY Follow age limit guidelines. They are in place for a reason. Make sure that your child is aware of the dangers of the Internet and that despite what they may be told the person on the other end is in fact a stranger. This aspect of monitoring has become more and more challenging as the Internet and technology expands so it is critical to keep an open communication with your child and set limits.
4) BE AWARE OF CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE’S BEHAVIOR
This is such a critical part of abuse detection, especially in young adults and teenagers when parents are so fed up with the behavior of the typical teenager with mood swings and hormones. It is difficult to recognize when there is a real problem, especially if it isn’t a subject that has been broached before.
For this reason, the signs and risks of sexual abuse should be something that is discussed with children and young people on a REGULAR basis. If they know what it is and know that their parents know, they may be able to open up if it becomes a reality for them.
It is so important no matter how busy life gets to LISTEN to your children. If they feel safe to communicate they generally will. For example in my house we have a rule: you never NEVER get in trouble for telling the truth. My kids know and trust this rule and depend on it. Find ways to share your values with your kids so they will have the faith in you when and if they need it to talk about uncomfortable, even paralyzing topics.
Children will all have different ways of acting out depending on the circumstances and their own temperament. Know your child and when they are struggling. Sometimes they don’t even know what is the matter. Remember it is our job as parents to help them recognize and name their feelings.
5) COMMUNICATE YOUR CONCERNS
We all get intuitive feelings when we meet people. When uneasiness is present there is generally some core reason but we tend to ignore these things for whatever reason. It’s important to at least follow through on your gut response. This doesn’t mean accusing people wrongly or gossiping, but rather encourages simple steps to screen or monitor situations involving children and young people. This is when you would ask for a background check or research history, and review resumes.
We need to learn to not only see the warning signs but also communicate our concerns in a productive and efficient way.
. https://www.virtusonline.org/virtus/
Darkness to light is another organization that I have found that offers a five-step prevention key. It is printable! I have one laminated and taped to my refrigerator and plan to keep a stack in my car. I know it sounds like a small gesture but if more people had this little handout, more people will know what to do in a crisis situation lie this that none of us want to believe we are a part of, but the truth is we are all a part of this, because for better or worse, no matter what your beliefs are,
They are all of our children. All of them.
http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6178667/k.93BF/Learn_the_Facts_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm
Learn the Facts of Child Sexual Abuse
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Realities, Not Trust, Should Influence Your Decisions Regarding Children "We live in a beautiful, safe neighborhood. None of these children could be victims of sexual abuse, right?"
It is highly likely that you know a child who has been or is being abused. Experts estimate that 1 in 10 children are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. This means that in any classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are children who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse. Youth are 2.5 times more likely to be raped than adults. About 35% of victims are 11 years old or younger. 9% of 10 to 17-year-olds receive a sexual request while on the Internet. 30% of children are abused by family members. As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts. Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children. Over 90% of children who are commercially sexually exploited have a history of child sexual abuse About 75% of child pornography victims are living at home when they are photographed. Parents are often responsible. http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6178667/k.93BF/Learn_the_Facts_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm
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