Shakubuku

    

Shame turns to anger inside me faster than blood can race through capillaries and fill my face.

Especially when I am not expecting it. But even when I am in company that I am fully aware of as “ not safe” the second my head bows down a huge swell of anger snaps it back up like a rubber band. And not those wimpy ones that hold together the thin stems of store bought flowers. We’re talking double wide industrial office strength, or the ones they use for Broccoli, the big guns. SNAP!

I love that image because I see myself suddenly as a heroine in a black and white, no full color comic strip shedding my homely costume and stomping forth in a skimpy but very tasteful and down right flattering swim suit type outfit! My hair flowing and my eyes on fire I step out of my quiet frame and punch a hole through anyone and anything that tries to quiet my voice!!!

It’s a fun moment. However there is one little thing that people seem to so readily forget. That warrior princess is fueled by something. It’s anger.

 It’s true that sometimes it comes in the vigilante form of vengeance or defending ones honor, standing up for ones rights, even dignity but the core of it is anger, and anger is pain.

Pain hurts.

It is a signal that change is the next indicated step and the one that is most effective in order to continue forward.

That can mean large or small things and as much as I am an advocate of feeling your feelings, sometimes we need to do a little digging, a little listening to that pain to find out why things sting so badly every time.

I don’t think pain is a bad thing. My relationship with it has evolved over the years and I now see it as an elegant indicator that I may not have ALL the answers. It keeps me humble. It keeps me open-minded. Shit I actually use it as kind of a life “ Bumper” Like the ones in bowling alleys that keep the ball on the lane so you can have half a chance of knocking down at least one pin??

When it comes up now, I look inside myself and get honest about what the message truly is. Where do I need to slightly adjust? Have I strayed out of my bowling lane?  Half the time I am reacting to something that happened years ago and am not even present in the current moment at all.

I feel as a woman this kind of defensive pain is important. It seems so common. This is when I feel my prowess as a female. My power. The power of creation, intuition, healing, nurturing, life giving, life sustaining are all inside of me.  All of my strength feeds into my own very female heart and then pours back out into everything I do and everyone I love.

 I have heard and read and spoken to so many women that describe some sort of scenario where shame and pain are so intertwined its almost like they cant exist without each other. Like its one thing and compartmentalizing has become a distant idea. Something almost intangible and so far out of reach that we just adapt.

 I am a woman who loves being a woman. I was literally born to be one!! I love saying that because it’s more relatable to more people than one would think these days.

 I think a lot of women feel similar. Most women can relate to that sense of being angry in the defensive, new animal hybrid way. We don’t even know we are in pain until we are bleeding because we have lost the ability to see the anger/pain for what it is. An indication that it may be time to prune the roses (notice I didn’t use the word bush? Well I’m trying to make a point so stop goofing off ok??).

When you think of how a rose bush ;) gets pruned or what it looks like right after, it is almost hard to see how there could ever be any sense to it. The stems are bare and jagged; the sap is dripping from the cuts. The whole plant looks like it is just a dead weed. But in actuality it has been saved, given longevity. And we know how it looks after some time has past. Beautiful and renewed. Different but the same. Elevated.

Women need this same pruning. Men and woman need it alike but I am speaking specifically to the place in myself, as a woman that returns again and again to shame.

I think sometimes even if I discard or cut away the parts of me that do not serve me they grow back within the beauty and reveal themselves in different ways. Just like the shame and anger intertwine so do the pain and the healing.

I believe we as woman should continually seek within and tend that garden knowing full well that it will need to be pruned, listened to, heard and helped. That the pestilence we once thought could be eradicated is actually necessary nourishment for our continued growth and strength.  All you need is faith that your perspective is fluid. And it is.

So go ahead goddesses. Find yourselves in those superhero negligees in your minds. Image the most beautiful form of yourself that you can muster and you and her go in to the garden of your soul and see what it is you are fighting for. I can only imagine those adventures will be extraordinary.