Shame.

I will not win your favor. I don't have a degree. I am not traditionally educated. I have no ambition to achieve credentials. I never attended a sorority. I never won anything. I don't have awards. People do not talk about me. I am not a person of interest.You will not be able to use my name. I can not get you into the newest restaurants. I don't know any doormen. I have never been in the press. I don't have a publicist. I don't have connections. Or clout. I am not amazing. I am not impressive. I am not painfully beautiful. I am not of exotic decent.I don't have perfect skin. I don't have impeccable style. I am not well bred. I am not an employer. I'm not even an employee. I have no paying job. No means. I am not skilled in a trade. I am not supremely talented. I am not powerful. I can't save you. I don't want to. I am not a force to be reckoned with. I am not self sufficient. I do not have a plan. I am not aiming high. I do not  summer in Southern Italy. I am not famous. Not infamous. I am not mysterious. I have no land. No desire to start a company. I have no advice for you. I am not pure of thought. I am not pure of body. My past is shameful. My future unclear. I have no certificates. Nothing hanging on my walls to prove what I've done in my life. I have no recent accomplishments to speak of. I am not brilliant. I am not going to start over. I do not intend to prove myself to you. I am not willing to drown my beliefs to win your approval. 

I will not win your favor. I don't need you anymore. I don't need you to see me. I can only just begin to see myself because I have accepted defeat. I have raised my white flag on your doorstep. I will no longer try to fit into the box you made for me. The coffin identity. I reject her. I can never be her. I never had a chance. She is not me. I will not make you proud. I will not continue to lie to myself. I don't care if you are disappointed. I am not afraid of you anymore. I am not responsible for how you react to me. I can fall back into my own arms now. I will not try to trust you one more time. I will learn to trust myself . I will be trustworthy. I will see and hear myself. I will not exhaust myself trying to get you to see me anymore. No more dancing for you. No more singing. No more speeches. No more long letters. Long conversations.No more big idea's of how I can re-build my life in order to make you proud of me. No more decorating the gilded box. I have broken that gift into pieces and now I will watch it burn as I Gaze beyond it to my new horizon. The one that is limitless. The one that I can never truly see until I am standing in it. I don't need to check off the list anymore. I don't have any desire left to fit into your world. I was never meant to. I can't feel your pressure anymore. I don't hear you calling. I don't want you to join me as I go. I do not need your blessing. We can retain the same superficial surface relationship we have always had. I don't need you to go deeper with me. I don't want your attention. I don't need your affection. I do not hate you. I love you. I am letting go of the identity that was handed me through loose distracted fingers. I want to see the truth. You do not possess that for me. The truth for me is within me. Happiness is within my true self. I will see what I can see now. Now that this shame has been revealed. Let it be so.

Comments

[willheim]

That is a such a powerful affirmation of strength and courage and honesty. I had to read it again.

[willheim]

I love this. Especially the first paragraph.