hasty

.....No matter how long you've been going through something, when you make a decision based on an emotional reaction, it always feels hasty.

Sometimes I wonder if it really "IS" true about some of us women NEVER being satisfied. I wonder that about myself all the time. Am i one of those people. Who can't see? I try not to be. Every day, but...I suppose when it's built in.... 

The thing is,  I know i want to stop any resistance and be able to flow with life at every turn but in some instances with every fiber of my being i just RESIST.

I can't seem to help it. I feel an involuntary pull to right certain situations in my life and the result leaves me neither " right" nor " happy". I'm not talking about where i keep the dish washing detergent, or which route i take to drive to school, bigger things, things that involve other people, values, things that affect my basic human needs for comfort and companionship. 

I wonder, is this a form of self sabotage, or self preservation? Sometimes those lines are blurred! Am I doing this to answer an internal divine inspiration, or am i just incapable of accepting life on life's terms??? Scary stuff because on paper it seems obvious! 

However, there is something to be said about wanting to be alone for the right reasons as opposed to staying with someone for the wrong ones. But, who and what truly defines those reasons in the end? For every person they are different. 

I read once that some people , when sick, like to be left alone. To sleep to recover etc. This solitude and peace is a gift and considered a form of love for which they emerge grateful when they are better and ready to re-connect. on the other hand , Some people need to be brought magazines and soup and kleenex and to be checked on and fussed over. To them, the fussing is the loving. 

So, what happens when two people like that unite? How do you find a way to be happy and nonresistant, when you feel unloved because your partner is a solitary healer? 

I read also about happiness and how it comes from within. I believe this to be true. However, I can honestly admit, if i was up on a mountaintop all by myself, I don't think I would be happy. Not in this life. I need people. We all do. So, how does that work? If we know we need people, but we should not need them to be happy, how do we love without needing to be loved. 

There is a prayer i love, the St. Francis prayer. I love to read it over and over about comfort without needing to be comforted, love without needing to be loved. I try so hard to be this prayer. I will always try.

As my eyes scan the prayer though, it does not say Listen without needing to be heard. I get to at least know that MY voice, no matter how small, no matter how weak deserves to at least be heard. I will remember that as well, and choose my words well......next time.