The Quiet Words

" it's generational"

As I sit at home, finally on the flipside of a heap of medical crap that had been piling up. I tend to do that. Let medical crap pile up. I find myself unwilling to succumb to the normal activity of the usual non-active recover- er.

I just can't watch the news for one more minute ( not to mention, my T.V. is broken....REALLY!) It's crazy, we have a front row seat to basically, Armageddon and they are focusing on Arnold and Maria! There is so much happening on this planet all at once in a sequence of events that can easily be related to the biblical predictions of religious radicals, but wait, more interestingly there is now, finally a reality show based on fetishism! Or those " other" Americans, you know, the ones who live in swamps and can catch fish with their bare hands and some string. 

The thing is, even if I did tune in for a worthy cause, to find out what's happening in Joplin, and how the country is helping, the news in between is gleefully advertising the fact that all of this is a sort of reality show. There has begun a sort of mass desensitization to real life tragedy that has crippled this generation. 

When I speak to other people about what's happening in the world, and Im not talking about celebrities, Lilo, or Brangelina or the new Arnie situation,  Im talking about Japan, and the mississippi rising, and Joplin, and Haiti..these are just a few examples of the calamity,....the recent chain of world events that have caused mass death, chaos and destruction basically. When I try to talk, even with my friends, the conversation veers away so quickly, as if there is nothing to be said other than how horrible it is.

I feel like we used to talk about things more as a community. I remember being a kid and when something catastrophic would happen, or even just really intense, people talked about it for months, and then eventually they would turn it into a miniseries. Remember those days? We don't do that anymore! Ok, capitalizing on tragedy is horrible, so hooray for the lapse in miniseries but at least the world would process events for longer, in a more communal ritualistic way. It seems like these things are traumas for the world community, and everything I have learned about trauma from therapy can be wrapped up in a simple but true statistic. Deal with it or it implodes or explodes. 

so far as I have researched, in a very general way un-processed trauma usually results in some sort of negative coping mechanism. This makes sense because when emotions don't get expressed or validated they don't simply disappear. They turn into a completely different kind of energy altogether, in some cases becoming uncontrollable. Now, Im not suggesting that society as a whole is about to turn sociopathic ( talk about a sub-plot for a miniseries!) Im simply noting the difference between how things used to be as opposed to how they are today.

Another huge difference is the internet, and although I am not blind to the phenomenon of social networking in the political arena, I am still a firm believer in the fact that somehow when it comes to expressing emotion, the computer just doesn't cut the mustard. ( I made that up) 

I think about the tragic events in a series of images in my mind. I wish that I was a journalist travelling to these places, so that I could collect stories. I believe we need to hear each other's stories. for many reasons. To remember. To stay strong. To learn. If we aren't learning from something that brings us to our knees, we are missing an opportunity to be a part of the divine. If we can't stay connected to each other  through tragedy, how can we remember to connect in Joy and triumph? 

I believe that all things happen for a reason, and there is a reason now for the huge amount of pain going around. There has to be a way to stay connected, to stay human through such adversity. Maybe it's telling stories that keeps us human, and maybe that's the thing that connects us to the stars. My wish is that people will start to share their stories around the world, and that we will be able to somehow unite and keep each other strong for whatever comes next, be it pain, or Joy.

happy so sad

Wow. Life really does start to get interesting in the mid to late thirties doesn't it! No one ever mentioned it to me when I was in my twenties. Maybe they did with wizened expressions and quiet reflections at my idealistic expectoration's and confrontational zest and zeal for every subject in existence! Or maybe I just wasn't listening. The latter seems more realistic, although I do enjoy the company of those that are older and know more than I do now so much more than I used to and I happen to love those expressions some of my friends get on their faces when my old explosive opinionated side peeks through! I want so much to have that security, self confidence that they have!

One of my friends said to me that it was alright to be unsure. That with many things, to become too confident can become an obstacle in so many ways, and how important it is to let our fear teach us to remain humble so as not to step in front of the medicine of things, or let our ego's transform any true life lesson that may be playing out. 

I think I have a bit too much fear though, and have discovered that it is very tough going not to let it sweep me away like an old tide back into the familiar waters that I have already navigated and escaped to some degree. 

I find myself feeling tranqile in my position on some days. Relaxed in the unresolved mire that has become so familiar to me now, as I learn more about what it is that I truly want out of life. Then all at once the relaxed and content sensation seems to evaporate for no apparent reason, as the situations in my life remain unresolved, and I go into a state of complete despair! The pendulum returns!

Change has been interesting for me in that way. As a child change meant detachment, which was painful and lonely for me, creating a need to survive through it by developing coping mechanisms that in the end were just as damaging as the inconsistency itself.

Now I must learn to stay present within the change, and to shift slightly rather than detach and fly blindly away to a different current altogether. This is uncharted territory for me, and though I am aware that none of us know exactly where we are going, I still feel so uncomfortable when there is a twist in the story that I wasn't expecting!

I remember my mom, cooing to my niece when she was a baby. She had been crying about something and became distracted from it and started laughing joyously with tears still streaming down her soft little cheeks. Babies have an uncanny ability to recover from a bump or a sad moment instantly because they are almost supernaturally living in the present. my mother chanted " happy so sad" in a little song and I have never forgotten that phrase. I relate to it so much. 

I am so grateful for all that I have and all that I don't have. I am grateful to feel connected to a rich source of benevolent love and compassion. I am so thrilled to be a mother and to have a big happy healthy family that loves me and that I can depend on and that depend on me. I am so grateful for the abundance in my life and for the generosity and unending support of my parents. I am so lucky to have such soulful and tender hearted, protective siblings.

And yet some days I feel so alone and such a longing in my heart that can not be explained or put into words. I feel so lost and unsettled. I feel exhausted on my journey and a desperate need to fall to my knees for lack of strength to carry on. I continue to look to my side unable to believe that there is no companion there to lean on. 

There you go all in one day. Happy so sad. It is a wonderful thing to be aware and present within all of these deep emotions and wandering thoughts! This is an incredible time to be on the planet! I hope I can bring some of my happiness and sadness into the stream of this world somehow if only to add a prayer to the wind that i am complete in my incompleteness and that I am here now with you. Thank you for letting me be a part of it all